Return to the wild

“We are all filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We were taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during our days and in our nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

I lost track of her. I got off the road and wandered in a panic through the dense forest and searched and fanned in vain to see if I could catch her scent, whiff, or at least her essence... She was gone and I was confused. I made my way through life like a cluster of thick brambles. Did she leave me? Or did I drive her away? I asked myself day and night when I sat down at the computer again and again wondering if this is how I should spend my time, if this is my job and if it has meaning and why it all got so strangely messed up?

I would compare wildness to self-confidence. And for various reasons, I always somehow missed her. But when that wild essence left me (or I left it somewhere along the way), I started to feel uneasy.

In 2013 (my God, it's been ten years already), Loro and I finished college, I decided to go to Prague and there I founded the blog Wild at Heart. I wrote posts about my humorous experiences and when I came under the Tatras, I documented our life with Wolf. But over the years I have made several mistakes. At that time, blogs were not so common, everything digital was basically just taking off and I had no idea what I was doing, how I was supposed to do it, or where it was going. But my biggest mistake was a lack of self-confidence. Maybe if I had persevered, not been ashamed of what I write, what I create, what I photograph, I would now have behind me a more visible path that I trod through those thorn bushes.

“Don’t waste your time hating a failure. Failure is a greater teacher than success. Listen, learn, go on.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

I wanted to be with Wolf in nature all the time, travel, wander, collect herbs and live a simple nomadic life. So why did I actually stop creating Wild at Heart? To a large extent, the injury was to blame.

I was never happy with my weight, even when my weight was perfectly normal for my height. For years I compared myself to others and because of that I didn't allow myself to fully enjoy life. During my adolescence, points of positivity were not widespread, and even today there are many discussions about how positive the perception of one's body as it is and how subliminal approval of overweight or obesity is already.

At the moment, I would like to work on at least my weight before the accident, but first I should describe what actually happened to me and what kind of life I led before.

I never played any sport professionally because I was more of an esthetician than an athlete, but I did exercise a lot. I walked everywhere for kilometers, rode my bike everywhere, regularly swam and regularly went on moderate to difficult hiking climbs and multi-day pilgrimages. I also played amateur volleyball several days a week and in my free time I played it recreationally wherever possible. So I only started to exercise less when I started my first official office job and around that time we we brought home Wolf, so my regular exercise increased again.

We also adopted the Czechoslovakian wolfdog because it has more endurance than other breeds, it needs to walk or run several kilometers a day, at that time it was around 15-20 km a day (currently we normally walk 10 km a day). It is also a breed where one of the retention tests is a 40 km run on a bicycle, for which we have been training since Wolf was 1 year old and his joints were quite grown and strengthened. At that time, I fell in love with canicross and found several friends who did this sport. We started training with Wolf, and I had planned that at least for recreation we would go and run smaller canicross competitions.

But then I slipped in the Tatras while descending from Biele pleso with a load on my back that was around 50 kilos. I collapsed on the ground and the weight twisted my lumbar spine into an unnatural angle. At that moment I was stressed, sore and I tore my leg in the place of a ten-year-old wound, but overall I didn't take the fall so seriously. It was not the first nor the last time that I slipped, fell, hurt myself, hit myself - I told myself that I would get treatment, rest for a few days and be fine.

“Be proud of your scars. They have everything to do with your strength, and what you’ve endured. They’re a treasure map to the deep self.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

If you don't like detailed descriptions of injuries and treatment in surgery, skip the next paragraph...

The wound on my whistle became very inflamed, and in a few days a lump the size of my fist grew there. During the examination, they discovered that pus had accumulated there for years since the first injury, and the wound became very inflamed after the fall. I went to surgery for a month, where twice a week the wound was cut again and the pus was collected and cleaned until the leg was clean and the wound could heal. For that time, this pain seemed to replace the pain in the spine, and one night I woke up with a high fever, completely paralyzed by the pain. I couldn't move and I had never experienced such pain before. It originated from the region of the sacral spine.

In the morning, I went to orthopedics, confused by the cooperation with Loro, and unfortunately a tangle of various unnecessary rehabilitations began, because I did not sufficiently examine the origin of the pain. For about half a year, I struggled with getting up early, walking to rehabs and to work every day, while nothing worked and I couldn't even sit, lie down without pain, let alone walk or walk the dog, which at that time already weighed 40 kilos and I could barely hold it because of the pain that constantly shot through my body.

Every person made light of my problem. That I'm young, that it's just a weakening of the muscles and you need to exercise more, that it's a sedentary job... With more exertion, I got a strong muscle fever, which turned into a cold and I couldn't get out of this state, while the pain didn't go away even with stronger medicines. After some time, I decided that I had to try the advice of another doctor.

After detailed examinations, it was found that I had cracked vertebrae, which are very compressed, and there are other micro-fractures at the points of compression, and the pressure needs to be relieved, because too much pressure can occur on the spinal cord. I was advised to have an operation and until the condition improved, I was advised not to get pregnant. In addition, I was forbidden to carry any burdens, not even a backpack or a bag, I was forbidden to do sports (running, hiking, volleyball), even though at that moment I could not even sleep without pain, so sports did not even occur to me for a long time.

The alternative to surgery that I chose was time-consuming rehabilitation treatment. I had regular injections into my spine to release the intervertebral space and the pressure that was causing me unbearable pain. I also completed a number of other examinations throughout Slovakia. For about two years, I couldn't take Wolf for walks longer than a kilometer or two, I gained weight from medication, lack of exercise, corticoid injections, depression, and I had nothing to add to Wild at heart. Closed between four walls, I worked on projects to have some income because I was already working for myself. No one knew how difficult it was for me to work. Not even washing dishes or vacuuming. Ordinary things have been a terrible problem for me for two years. Only Loro knew about it, because he was with me every day, I didn't want to tell anyone about it, everyone had their own problems. I couldn't move enough and I was ashamed to admit it to anyone. Even to myself. I was angry with myself. I dreamed of mountains, not of ambulances and being overweight, I wanted to be independent and especially helpful to my loved ones.

That's how I founded the brand Lia Paugsch Art, under which I started taking photos, and even though it seemed to most people that I was fine, after every photo shoot or wedding, I had muscle fever, chills, my muscles stiffened and I could barely go to the toilet. Gradually, I continued to practice spine exercises from my physiotherapist, I slowly extended my walks with Wolf, and I was incredibly happy when I finally did five mostly flat kilometers instead of two, even though I had muscle fever again. Then I was happy when I gave five and in the afternoon I managed to give another five and only then I got muscle fever. I can already give ten, but it is still not easy, without pain and often still with a fever, but I am pushing my limits.

That's why, when the pain started to sound less often and the mountains started to call me more and more, I wondered if I would start again with Wild at heart. But I had the feeling that I didn't deserve her, that I still wasn't me. That's why I founded We & Wolf. It was supposed to be our joint project, but I didn't feel authentic enough. Wild at heart, she was born long before we brought home Wolf, met each other, she was born in the forests of the Muránska plain, on wanderings through the ruins of castles, in a group of kindred souls singing by the fire under the stars. She's calling my name. And I, when I finally found her again, I simply have to follow in her footsteps.

“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin. Within every woman, there lies a powerful force of energy, creativity and self-knowing- their wild woman.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés